i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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