The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Redeem this text for a blowjob
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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