how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Im just a social blackout drinker.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
