You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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