You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
