i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
