I am puke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
