I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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