Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
