Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
