I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize