I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
