The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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