woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
