you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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