Acid is not a monday night drug
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
