This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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