I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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