if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
