Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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