I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
