i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
