I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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