My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
