i need an iv and a liver transplant
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
