It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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