I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize