I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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