Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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