My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
