There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
