the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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