My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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