yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
