I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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