I puked a lego.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
