Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
