I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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