I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
