Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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