i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
