Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
