I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
