If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
