two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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