I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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