Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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