Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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