the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
