I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
