went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I would ride that face into the sunset
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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