I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's great music for shaving your balls
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
