Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
