oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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