just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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