My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
