I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can't special order awesome
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
