i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
