Your tits are I can't wait for
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
