I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
